Shangri-la: Way to self-care Utopia
Self-care for parents of children between the ages of 0–3
Article Written by: Eyazhini Murali, Assistant Psychologist at Heart It Out, Bangalore
Self-care is an umbrella term that entails the intentional actions of taking care of oneself by using the individualized tool-kits created by humans for themselves which are uniquely beneficial. In the Indian culture, self-care is quite commonly viewed as self-indulgence, especially amongst the parent population where they’re expected to exert their full attention towards their child by sacrificing time for themselves. This article explores the role of parents in the upbringing of their children while engaging in self-care activities that emphasize on the true meaning of self-care and eliminating the myths and preconceived notions of it. While self-care is viewed as an utmost necessity even for the parental population in foreign cultures, it is often ignored and is misjudged in the Indian context. The need for self-care for parents and some methods through which it can be achieved in the Indian context is explored through this article.
Parents are the significant figures in a child’s life as children are solely dependent on parents to satisfy their needs until they establish a stable career in the Indian culture. They play a vital role in moulding a child’s behaviour, values, discipline and competence. A parent’s major obligations are to nurture and provide structure by taking care of a child’s basic needs like love, acceptance, food, shelter and by imposing rules, maintaining discipline and setting limits. Being a parent or the parenting process entails three fundamental goals: (American Psychological Association, n.d.)
- Ensuring the physical and mental health of a child
- Prepping the child to become an efficient adult
- Instilling cultural and moral values
Parents have a lot to do with their children’s overall development!
Parents with children between the age of 0–3 face many challenges in bringing up the child and also in terms of their own health. At this age, children have no preconceived notions of the external world which are gradually filled in by their parents or caregivers, who make up the immediate environment. Movies and documentaries like “We need to talk about Kevin” (Lynne Ramsay, 2011) and “The beginning of life” (Estela Renner, 2016) have emphasized the crucial role of parents and the importance of creditable parenting starting from the initial stages of a child’s life.
Here are some of the developmental milestones which a child reaches within three years of age, which tends to be the foundation of their behaviour patterns in later life:
- Physical development is marked by milestones like sitting, crawling, walking, running, jumping, toilet training, moving around and exploring objects around them.
- Language Development includes making babbling sounds, uttering monosyllabic words; forming simple & comprehensible phrases or sentences; listening; understanding and responding appropriately to sentences; knowing and recognizing the names of familiar people and objects.
- Behavioural milestones include the desire for independence; imitating others behaviour; following simple instructions and directions; experiencing and expressing a wide range of emotions; identification of their primary caregiver, and forming emotional bonds with them.
- Cognitive development includes increased thinking; reasoning and memory capabilities; the ability to differentiate between objects. (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, n.d.).
What are some barriers to parenting?
Parents are confronted with various challenges while guiding their children through the developmental process which takes a toll on their mental and physical health. New parents usually experience overwhelming emotions, while simultaneously facing the wondrous reality of becoming a parent. In India, only the celebration of becoming a parent is acknowledged, not the accompanying emotional challenges. Obstacles such as financial crises, physical and mental weariness and/or exhaustion, mixed emotions, postpartum stress/depression resulting in lack of emotional bonding with children, disagreement with the very fact that they’ve become parents and the inability to adapt to parenthood remind one of the importance of self-care and the significance of following it regularly.
According to the World Health Organization, “Self-care is the ability of individuals, families and communities to promote health, prevent disease and maintain health and to cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a healthcare provider”.
Self-care should be emphasized largely by parents with children of age 0–3, as they have to adapt to the new reality and changes happening with the arrival of the new family member.
How to practice self-care?
Self-care is quite commonly misunderstood as a selfish act or a self-indulgent behaviour, which is completely incorrect. Self-care is done voluntarily to nourish one’s physical, mental and social well-being. On the contrary, self-indulgence is a spontaneous act to satisfy one’s temporary needs which can lead to long-term negative impacts. In the Indian culture, self-care is often considered as self-indulgence and this greatly reduces the significance of the concept of self-care. In reality, it is a selfless and flawless act that has to be practised regularly to maintain a healthy balance of one’s life.
Here are a few strategies/techniques for self-care that might be of help to parents:
- Good sleep and food habits:
Good sleep cycle and healthy food habits are the driving essence of one’s survival. Normally, lack of sleep leads to physical and mental exhaustion which in turn affects our daily functioning. Parents with newborn babies have to be active the whole day because the infant needs their full attention. For this to happen without any obstacles, they need a good night’s sleep. They have to make a schedule for bed-time and should follow it regularly. Both, the mother and father can take turns in looking after their child, so that one can have a peaceful sleep on alternate days. Healthy food habits are very important, especially for mothers, as they need a whole lot of nutrients to compensate for breastfeeding. Parents need to maintain a healthy diet rich in protein, iron and omega-3 which regulates mood and energy levels (Am J Psychiatry 2006; 163:969–978). Also, remember to eat on time to avoid the accompanying health consequences like low sugar, tiredness, dizziness, ulcer, etc.
- Exercise regularly:
Exercise is any kind of movement that keeps us active and energetic and distances us from being idle and stagnant. Yoga, aerobics, dancing, taking a walk, jogging, swimming or doing any kind of physical work contributes as exercise.
New parents can modify their exercise routines by involving the baby, by joining a gym or a yoga class with day-care facilities, taking a walk with the baby, strolling through the park with their baby, joining a parent-baby exercise class or engaging in any preferred form of exercise while asking the significant other to take care of the baby.
- Spend time with spouse and friends:
New parents are inclined to totally abandon their social life because socializing after having a new baby is considered a selfish act in the Indian culture. Parents do not spend time with each other and their romantic/intimate moments are lost. It is obviously agreed that infants need the complete attention of the parents but not at the cost of their mental health. Parents can take time to socialize and involve themselves in spending time with their spouse by doing something they love, spending time with friends by meeting them or getting on a video chat or going for simple grocery shopping with neighbours or with spouse, etc, while some trusted family member or friend can look after the baby.
Maintaining this emotional bond/connection with family members and friends can help mitigate the effects of parenting stress and thus reduce the chances of caregiver burnout. It buffers the impact of the burnout, as it gives a hope to carry on the parental duties with enthusiasm and confidence that they are not alone in taking care of the child. This emotional bond can break any upcoming challenges they tend to face in their parenting phase.
- Take out time for self-reflection:
Personal space is an all-time need at any point in life. This doesn’t happen usually in this dynamic. Even after a baby is born, this space should be maintained at least 15 to 30 minutes/day to sustain a growth mindset. During this personal time, one can do anything that they love the most, spend time on their interests and hobbies like reading books, knitting, cycling, baking, etc. Thinking about oneself in aspects like what one really want with life, how to adapt to the new reality, how to take care of the baby, in what ways can one improve personally so that they provide better care for their baby and gain an understanding about managing situations mentally, physically and financially helps in reflection on one’s thoughts and feelings.
- Communicate about your feelings:
Talking or communicating to someone about one’s thoughts and feelings will help in processing one’s emotional burden. The frustration, irritation and anguish in adapting to the new reality need to be let out and processed.
This can be done in three ways:
- Talking to someone and expressing one’s feelings verbally helps in unloading the burden, and leads to feelings of calmness and relief.
- Journaling — When one is not comfortable in verbal expression, one can always jot down their thoughts and feelings in a written format daily, a way of non-verbal expression that helps in venting out.
- Art — Using creative arts like painting, playing with colours, crafts, creating a collage, humming a tune, dancing to beats are also part of non-verbal expressions that help in letting out. These arts need not be perfect or need not necessarily be a replication. Any imperfect strokes and movements that help in letting out one’s emotions are appreciated.
- Don’t ignore your carrier:
Parents need to sustain their profession to maintain their financial status. For working mothers, they might be provided with maternity leave to take care of the newborn baby but have to resume work soon. This is a personal choice because mothers are usually expected to quit their job once the baby is born.
For some, professional life can act as relaxation at this time but for others, it might be an overload and excessive stress. Resuming one’s career, especially for mothers, provides an additional identity apart from the parental role. It provides a sense of purpose and professional identity, as they’re able to serve their family financially and simultaneously maintain their professional growth. Fathers usually continue their job to maintain their family’s financial balance and to habituate to the growing expenses. Maintaining a stable profession helps in having a social life, avoiding financial crisis and not having a monotonous life.
- Seek help when needed:
When the emotional experience is transformed into an emotional roller coaster, it is normal to seek professional help, be it for physical or mental health. If things are perceived to be out of one’s control or if certain situations are intolerable or overwhelming which can affect one’s daily functioning, then reaching out for professional guidance is significant because it helps in the process of accepting and acknowledging the reality and processing emotions to maintain life’s balance.
Also, daily tasks can become overwhelming or overloaded with the presence of a newborn baby. Seeking help or support from other family members or trusted loved ones at times to do the daily tasks like cleaning the house, cooking, grocery shopping, vessel and cloth washing, helps in diminishing the perceived stress and burden.
An undeniably obvious fact is that taking care of others means taking care of ourselves to tally the energy and time lost. Self-care improves one’s self-esteem/worth, preserving one’s physical and mental health, allows one to be a role model for their children, and it has a positive impact on a child’s and parent’s well-being. It’s not that one cannot find time for self-care, it is not considered as that important in the Indian culture. It’s high time that we inculcate the principles and significance of self-care in the cultural norms and standards of Indian society and create a community-wide awareness regarding self-care. Along with this, it’s time to break the myths of self-care practices thus allowing the Indian parents to come out of this rigid societal bubble.
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